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posticon The Blues


Forwarded to me by Mike Maley:


 Just in case you ever need it, here it is:

HOW TO SING THE BLUES... A PRIMER

 1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning ..."

 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you
stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with
the meanest face in town."

 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that [sign in to see URL] of: "Got a good woman with the
meanest face in town. Yeah, I got a good woman with the meanest face in
town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs, and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train; blues NEVER go
on the northbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Memphis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in
any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
    a. highway
    b. jailhouse
    c. empty bed
    d. bottom of a whiskey glass

 Places where Blues ain't happening:
     a. Nordstrom's
     b. gallery openings
     c. Ivy League institutions
     d. golf courses

 11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it for the last 6 months.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
    a. you older than dirt
    b. you blind
    c. you shot a man in Memphis
    d. you can't be satisfied

 Not if:
     a. you have all your teeth
     b. you were once blind but now can see
     c. the man in Memphis lived
     d. you have a 401K or trust fund

 13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
     a. cheap wine
     b. whiskey or bourbon
     c. muddy water
     d. nasty, old, burned, black coffee

 The following are NOT Blues beverages:
    a. Perrier
    b. Chardonnay
    c. Snapple
    d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis
match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
   a. Sadie
   b. Big Mama
   c. Bessie
   d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
     a. Joe
     b. Willie
     c. Little Willie
     d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make-Your-Own-Blues-Name Starter Kit:
     a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
     b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,
etc.)
     c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: If you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues.

...Thanks Mike emoticon
10/16/2003, 11:15 pm Link to this post Send Email to NickMinnion   Send PM to NickMinnion
 
Scream1986 Profile
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Re: The Blues


I thought it was suppose to be Funny?

---
Boo!
8/25/2005, 12:11 pm Link to this post Send Email to Scream1986   Send PM to Scream1986
 
thomas4 Profile
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Re: The Blues


This is funny, scream 1986.

Every thing you have posted on these forums is nasty.

I got the blues

broken arm banana kennedy
2/26/2006, 1:30 pm Link to this post Send Email to thomas4   Send PM to thomas4
 
Raynotpaul Profile
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Re: The Blues


Yeah! Thomas4 is right. Maybe you should lower the action on those strings. .......Skinny Sugar Monkey Polk
8/17/2006, 7:35 am Link to this post Send Email to Raynotpaul   Send PM to Raynotpaul
 
doublehumbucker Profile
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Re: The Blues


Very funny - I love it.
So true - All them beautiful Africans transported to another place and forced too work - That would give you the blues for sure.

Hey wait a minute.....
I'm being forced too work - no penalty rates,can't book a holiday,job insecurity, mounting bills -

[sign in to see URL] might write a song.
I hope I win the lottery.
cheers! emoticon
10/8/2007, 6:38 am Link to this post Send Email to doublehumbucker   Send PM to doublehumbucker
 
botar Profile
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Re: The Blues


hey nick, this is a screamingly funny way
to tell the truth. you're a hoot !
10/12/2007, 4:12 am Link to this post Send Email to botar   Send PM to botar
 
Mudak Profile
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Re: The Blues


funny stuff emoticon
5/25/2009, 8:35 pm Link to this post Send Email to Mudak   Send PM to Mudak
 
TheRaven1977 Profile
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Re: The Blues


ROFL! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
5/26/2009, 3:29 pm Link to this post Send Email to TheRaven1977   Send PM to TheRaven1977
 
MikePhilippov Profile
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Re: The Blues


Totally hilarious emoticon

---
-Mike Philippov
http://www.mikephilippov.com
http://www.thenextstepguitar.com
6/8/2009, 4:18 am Link to this post Send Email to MikePhilippov   Send PM to MikePhilippov
 


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